Something about possibility
von
Chocolate
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Indescribable possibilities. Assiduous repression turns into an uncontrolled, irresistible affair. And yet this unfoundedness, this helplessness towards myself, this triumphant feeling… anything could happen… inexorable, unpredictable… animatedly it strikes me. I peer into this world, at the thousand faces that do not know what I know, - and I have to smile. I smile about my helplessness and the inspiring effect. I smile because I know, because I have to know that there will be a tomorrow. I smile because I seem to get to know myself through this indefinable intemperance of an even more indefinable sensation. It is this certain agitation. This particular “something”. His smile. His wink. The expression on his face. – The gestures. It is about my fascination for him. It is my speechlessness. My astonishment. It is about his questions. His directness but also his taciturnity. It is about my hesitation, my clumsiness… I am stunned. It is the tingly perplexity that immingles with exhilarating emotion.
But yet there is fear, this indescribable, abundant fear of letting go, of falling into life’s embrace. The fear of surrendering to incertitude. This anxiety, the wind could not carry me, I could fall… anxiety of abysm. Those pointy black rocks… – I have seen them too often.
Is there a possibility not to be dropped, not to fall? I think no living being can guaranty that and perhaps this fact itself holds a charm. So this is where I am, with closed eyes I am overwhelmed by the thought of possibility. An inspiring possibility that gives me enough courage and faith for this one big leap. Slowly, very slowly fear abates like the waves of a tired ocean. Yes, not even fearfulness is free of exhaustion. I am so tired of anxiety.
A new venture’s time has come. I have reined back for too long. I have been waiting for too long. I have been waiting and hoping, hoping for an unattainable reality. For how long do I want to wait, wither, before I jump? It is incertitude that lets us fly. I want to let this mysteriously wonderful amazement form a part of me. I am striving for letting assiduous self control slip off to clear the way for the possibility. For his smile, for my speechlessness, for life in it’s frantic, exhilarating, overwhelming and inevitable elation.
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